Learning to be loved.

This is a brief look into one of the areas in my life that made me crazy. There are other aspects, but relationally speaking, this was my insane path and drive to find love. I've learned this much since April:

I've decided that I have to make myself happy. And that I have to be happy with myself. I can't do for anyone until I know what I need and want. I don't care if I get married. It used to be ALL I wanted and thought about. It made me force things with women, and in turn, I was constantly hurt and couldn't figure out what the problem was? Now, whatever happens, happens. I don't feel the need to pursue anyone or anything. Maybe someday I'll be doing my thing, and someone will be there? If so, cool. If not, cool. I was always repeating the same actions, expecting a different outcome. I call that insanity. Women are a source of insanity in my life. I HAVE to keep my life simple. Right now, that means I can't be with anyone? I have to accept that. I am happy to accept it. I have to do the things that bring me sanity. Life is too short to be insane. I went crazy looking for love. I went crazy looking for fulfillment in relationships. I went crazy thinking that every girl I met, talked to, dated, or loved may be "the one." I can't handle that anymore. I know what's it like to desire to be desired. I know what it means to want nothing more than to be loved and accepted. I know the pain of craving intimacy more than anything else. I know the empty feeling of sex when it just doesn't quite meet the need. I know what it means to look, time after time, in the wrong place. It sucks. It's hard. It's life. I get it. I can't do it anymore. I am going to look for the things that bring me rest and sanity. That's what I'm going to pursue. Is it selfish? I don't know. I don't care. I'm going to do what makes me happy and what makes me come alive. To hell with what it looks like to anyone else. This is probably the first time in my life I've been able to do this? I had to finally accept and believe that I was loved. Already, out of the gate, from the day I was conceived, I was loved. From birth, I've been loved. Once I realized, truly realized, believed, and accepted that my Creator loves me, my family loves me, and my friends love me, I found freedom. I found peace. I found rest. I found a safe place. No matter what I do, no matter how badly I mess it up, I am loved. That's where I've been hanging out for the last 3 months. This is where I'm finding me. I have to keep it simple. I am loved. Doesn't matter why? Or how? I don't even have to believe it or understand it. It just is. I am loved. I don't care about anything else. Nothing else matters. This is where I have to live. I hope you find peace and rest and comfort. There are people rooting for you. I am rooting for you! Be you. Be ok with being you. Live YOUR life the way YOU want to-be moral, be upright, be honest, be true. Do the things that bring YOU sanity and rest and joy. Let the rest happen? You are awesome. You are enough. Despite all of the things that have brought you where you are and all of the bumps and bruises and jacked up examples of love you've had and experienced, your Creator loves you. Your family loves you. Your true friends love you. You are accepted. You are cherished. You are valued. I am loved. I am accepted. I am valued.

I hope this finds you well.

"May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to You."