I feel like...something?

"You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true. I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do." --Everclear. 

Life is a funny thing. I hope I have the ability to laugh. My Creator has a great sense of humor. It's quite obvious. I no longer believe that I was created out of sadism. There was a point I had to reach, when I went from a place of mistrust to a place of trust. I have to trust that the foundation of my existence is love. 

Gathering people for tours has been an experience I will never forget. There are moments throughout the day, standing in front of St. Peters Basilica and the Vatican, that my soul feels totally crushed. There are moments when I forget how to smile. Many of them. 

There are moments when I ask myself what I'm doing. Many of them. There are moments when I see something, or hear something, or feel something, and I despise humanity. There is something inside me that aches. There are other moments when I feel like "All is as it should be." 

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

I am so much more than reasonably happy. I am also trying my damndest to accept hardship as a pathway to peace. Trust. I'm trying to trust that I wasn't created to hurt. I'm trying to trust that while, yes, humanity is so broken, busted, and bleeding, I am loved by my Creator. I am trying to trust that they are loved by their Creator.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say. I have so much on my mind and my heart. I have so much to be grateful for. I have so much gratitude in my heart and I'm looking for it. I don't like that I don't fart gratitude. I have more to be grateful for than I can ever say thanks for. I need to find out how to let some of that gratitude out, and I'm not sure how?

I've met people that are so in tune with who and what they are, what they were, and what they someday will become. These are the people that are joyful. These are the people that bring SO much positive energy to every situation they're in. These are the people that "never have a bad day." These are the people I love being around. 

Someday, I'll be made perfect. Someday. I know who I was. I know what I've been. I know what I am. I don't yet know WHO I am. How do I allow the gratitude to flow in the midst of so much brokenness? How do I brighten other people's day? How do I allow the gratitude in my heart out? How do I say thanks to the One who loves me? 

Life is a funny thing. I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do.

Capitalistic Socialists?

Rome is the home of capitalism. It's ALL about money here. Everyone is trying to make money. (No one uses credit cards-FYI, future travelers.) Cash talks. Everyone is trying to get a leg up on everyone else. It's the sharp edge of the capitalistic double-edged sword. The difference between here and the "greedy American capitalists" is consumer protection.

You are going to get scammed here. You will be hustled. You will feel taken advantage of. You will BE taken advantage of. A common trick I keep hearing about is a camera scam. You find the camera you want, the vendor "puts it in the box," and hands you a heavy box of Montana air. What are you going to do? What can you do? By the time you realize it, he/she is gone with your money.

I've been gathering people for tours. Basically, I stand outside the Vatican and round people up for tours. I get a commission for everyone that takes the tour. Let me say...this gets REALLY cut-throat and competitive. One trick here, is telling people, "Sign up for my tour, and skip the 2 hour Q." (The Q is the line.) Lots of issues with this great sounding gig. 1. The Q may only be 30 minutes? 2. Even on the tour, they're still going to stand in a line. There is ALWAYS a line.

I saw, 1st hand, a gatherer/tour guide walk up to another gatherer while they were talking to people. She was interupting and doing everything she could to drive the people away. This same lady likes to inform the police of illegal gatherers-of which I am one...I'm not going to lie? The odds of me knocking this woman down, and hopefully out, are VERY good.

I was talking to my boss and I told him, I'm not going to lie to people. Anothe gatherer heard this and said, "Oh?! You'll get over that in a week, tops. I said the same thing..." I tell people you can avoid one line, but you're probably going to wait in another one. I know what it feels like to be pressured by pamphlet people. I don't want to do that to people. For some reason, maybe it's a mid-western thing or maybe my parents are good people and raised me to think of others, but, for some reason, I want to treat people with some decency. The hard thing for me is the people that are tired of being hastled. They treat me like I'm sure I treat other gatherers. Life is a cycle, isn't it?

Making money is a great thing. I guess? I hate money. I HATE the fact that I have to have money. I love having money. It is what it is. It's how the world turns. I'm going to keep gathering people for tours. I'm going to keep doing it with a smile and wishing the people that say "no" a good day. I'm going to make an effort to look people in the eye, when they bother me with tour info, and politely say, "No thank you."

Homesickness...my perspective?

So. I've been dealing with some homesickness? What do you expect from a Mamma's Boy from Missouri, eh? I have an amazing family. I have amazing friends. I'm overseas for the first time. Homesickness happens. 

I was laying in bed last night thinking about my niece, my parents, and the amazing friends I have. I almost started crying? Then, I thanked God that I have a place that is safe. I thanked Him that I have a home to miss. It seemed to make things a little easier.

I learned, through Celebrate Recovery, that life is ALL about perspective. There are so many different ways to look at the EXACT same circumstance. Because I am loved, I have a home. A safe place that has always and will always be there. I have family and friends that love me and care for me. Not everyone can say that. I GET to be in Rome because I am loved. I get to see another part of the world. I get to have somewhere to miss and call home. I am blessed. I am loved. 

Learning to be loved.

This is a brief look into one of the areas in my life that made me crazy. There are other aspects, but relationally speaking, this was my insane path and drive to find love. I've learned this much since April:

I've decided that I have to make myself happy. And that I have to be happy with myself. I can't do for anyone until I know what I need and want. I don't care if I get married. It used to be ALL I wanted and thought about. It made me force things with women, and in turn, I was constantly hurt and couldn't figure out what the problem was? Now, whatever happens, happens. I don't feel the need to pursue anyone or anything. Maybe someday I'll be doing my thing, and someone will be there? If so, cool. If not, cool. I was always repeating the same actions, expecting a different outcome. I call that insanity. Women are a source of insanity in my life. I HAVE to keep my life simple. Right now, that means I can't be with anyone? I have to accept that. I am happy to accept it. I have to do the things that bring me sanity. Life is too short to be insane. I went crazy looking for love. I went crazy looking for fulfillment in relationships. I went crazy thinking that every girl I met, talked to, dated, or loved may be "the one." I can't handle that anymore. I know what's it like to desire to be desired. I know what it means to want nothing more than to be loved and accepted. I know the pain of craving intimacy more than anything else. I know the empty feeling of sex when it just doesn't quite meet the need. I know what it means to look, time after time, in the wrong place. It sucks. It's hard. It's life. I get it. I can't do it anymore. I am going to look for the things that bring me rest and sanity. That's what I'm going to pursue. Is it selfish? I don't know. I don't care. I'm going to do what makes me happy and what makes me come alive. To hell with what it looks like to anyone else. This is probably the first time in my life I've been able to do this? I had to finally accept and believe that I was loved. Already, out of the gate, from the day I was conceived, I was loved. From birth, I've been loved. Once I realized, truly realized, believed, and accepted that my Creator loves me, my family loves me, and my friends love me, I found freedom. I found peace. I found rest. I found a safe place. No matter what I do, no matter how badly I mess it up, I am loved. That's where I've been hanging out for the last 3 months. This is where I'm finding me. I have to keep it simple. I am loved. Doesn't matter why? Or how? I don't even have to believe it or understand it. It just is. I am loved. I don't care about anything else. Nothing else matters. This is where I have to live. I hope you find peace and rest and comfort. There are people rooting for you. I am rooting for you! Be you. Be ok with being you. Live YOUR life the way YOU want to-be moral, be upright, be honest, be true. Do the things that bring YOU sanity and rest and joy. Let the rest happen? You are awesome. You are enough. Despite all of the things that have brought you where you are and all of the bumps and bruises and jacked up examples of love you've had and experienced, your Creator loves you. Your family loves you. Your true friends love you. You are accepted. You are cherished. You are valued. I am loved. I am accepted. I am valued.

I hope this finds you well.

"May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to You."

A beggar...

Don't be offended by anything I'm about to say. It's my opinion and nothing more. That being said...here I go?

I've been walking around this city and stopping in some of the ancient basilicas. I am absolutely amazed at the ability of some artists. They're able to create! That is a talent I don't really have? These churches are their expressions of worship. I respect that so much! I really do! I've also been learning a lot of the history of the Catholic Church. Interesting...Religion in and of itself is also fascinating?

For me, and no one else, but for me, I would rather worship my Creator in His Creation, not mans'. I was hanging out in the basilica Mussolini attended during WWII. One of the most amazing places I have ever seen. There is SO much history there. There is a hole in the wall, near the ceiling where a ray of light can enter. They used this as a calender. It's still VERY accurate. There are paintings and sculptures everywhere. It's still used for worship services today. 

As I was sitting there, admiring the art, it started to hit me? I really like being outside when I approach the throne of mercy. Brennan Manning, in his life changing book, "The Ragamuffin Gospel" uses the term, "a beggar at the door of mercy." There are, at nearly all of the basilicas, beggars at the doors. 

I realized that I am nothing but a beggar at the door of the throne of grace. I am begging for peace. I am begging for mercy. I am begging for sanity. I am begging for rest. I approach my Creator asking for peace. Mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual peace. I ask Him to allow me to pursue peace of mind, body, and soul. Because He loves me, He grants me that peace. 

I find my peace, sanity, and rest when I believe He loves me. I don't need to know how or why He does, I just need enough faith to believe He does. I don't need a building, preacher, priest, or anyone or anything other than my Creator and His creation. Because He loves me, I am able to see, hear, touch, taste, smell, and live. It's that simple. 

When I try to make religion or church or anything else my "place" of worship, I miss it. I miss out the simplicity of the love my Creator has for me. I appreciate the buildings and the men and women that have dedicated their lives to showing their appreciation. I need to find how I express my love and appreciation to my Creator. "May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to You." 

I've seen where the church has entered the picture. Literally. I've seen the buildings that were ordered to be destroyed or altered because they were pagan symbols. I've seen the art that was altered. It's very interesting. I see, everyday, how the "church" has gained its power. 

This post is NOT an attack on the church or anyone affiliated with it. This is NOT an attack on organized religion. This is my way of processing history and making my own. In my life, simplicity HAS to reign. God's love is VERY simple. I want it to reign. He loves me. Because He loves me, I should probably try to love myself? I want to find how He wants me to worship. 

I spent some time thinking about whether or not God likes me? I think He does. I think He wants to spend time with me. I want to spend time thanking Him for that. 

Bracciano...

Here's the thing. I know why Tom wanted to get married at Bracciano. I mean. Wow. The water is so clear! I've never seen anything like it! It's an old volcano that erupted, is now dormant, and filled with water. Rumor has it, they still don't know how deep it is? I guess the caves that are under the lake still unknown in their depths. It's too deep for any divers and the equipment still doesn't get that deep. The lake feels like a beach. There are some rocks, but it's mostly like really small creek gravel? There are shops all around the lake. It sits in between mountains. Amazing. 

Things have been going really well. I wasn't sure when I was going home, but now it looks like it's going to be later than I thought? I haven't started making any money yet, but I'm not too worried about it yet? Will, my friend that I'm here with, is a great guy. He's given me the chance of a lifetime, and I will forever be indebted. 

Hookahs and happy things...

Ok. So, in all honesty. I smoked a hookah, for the 1st time in my life last night? It was only tobacco-no hash! The people I smoked it with, were snipers in the Israeli army?! I have NO idea why, but that totally fascinates me! They're really cool guys-Art and Stephan. There were some other really cool people hanging out, too. 

Last night, we cooked an amazing dinner. Ok, mainly Will, but I was there?! We made a 4-cheese sauce to put on top of our pasta. We cooked some chicken in mushrooms and threw it all together. Nice. Before we started dinner, we sat around talking, smoking a hookah, drinking wine, eating cheese and olives, and relaxing. There were 6 of us. Then we went out.

So far, I've learned that "traveling" is internationally translated "partying." Every once in a while, just to mix things up, sightseeing occurs? I'm in a different situation than most people. I'm basically stationed here in Rome. Most people are passing through. I'm not in any hurry to sightsee or take pics or anything like that. I've got time. That's really nice? I'm a lucky man. 

Back to they partying thing, because I know how people worry. It IS fun. Going out in Rome and seeing all of the different people is pretty intense. I'm not going out every night and getting crazy. That is too expensive and, to be honest, not my cup of tea anymore. Going out twice a week or so and having some drinks is fine. Dancing is fun, too.  

I'm learning more about a different side of me, also? It's amazing how many types of wine are grown around here! And there are so many different types of cheese...I love it. I really enjoy sitting around with Will and trying different cheeses and different types of wine. We went to a jazz bar the other night and I had one of the best wines I've ever had. 

I also think I figured out some of what jazz is trying to say to me? I always thought jazz was chaotic and about love and arguing with your significant other? It always seemed like two people taking turns yelling at each other. I hear that. But now, I', thinking jazz is about finding something? I don't know what was found, but it was a pretty big deal finding it. Interesting, perhaps only to me, but interesting? Obviously, all jazz is different? I may actually enjoy some of it? I need to hear some yazz flute...

 

Rome, I think?

6-11-09

 

So. My last 24 hours-give or take-have been pretty interesting? I had a delay in Houston, which caused me to miss my international flight, which caused me to spend more money, which is almost causing me to stress? Almost. I did find that $500 is just more than 300 euros. Back to the travel stories, though?

 I flew out of Denver on Tuesday, June 9^th at 9:00 am. I landed in Houston around noon, I think? We were supposed to take off at 1:15 and land in New York around 6? We didn’t leave Houston until 5:30. This, obviously, will make making a 9 pm New York departure pretty sneaky? LUCKILY!!! I was flying in to LaGuardia, from Houston, and I was supposed to fly out of JFK. So, really, not too big of a deal. Guess I should have checked what airports I was SUPPOSED to use and what airports I was ACTUALLY using? Lesson learned. All this means is that my travel stories’ plots’ thickened a little sooner than planned?

 While on delay in Houston, I called Aer Lingus. I had to see what needed to be done about missing my flight. This, in all actuality, is when I found out I biffed it. So, I’m talking to dude from Aer Lingus trying to get it all figured out, he asked if Continental would help me out any, he was really cool, so I put him on hold to ask the Continental people what’s up? Except the hold button doesn’t work? So…I hung up on him. Not too big of a deal, I’ll call back, right? Talking to Continental, I realize they’re finally boarding my flight to NY. I made the decision that I should at least get to NYC and figure it out from there.

 When I get to NY, I call Aer Lingus to try to get it all put together. Their service center closed. The airport was a ghost town. Yeah. Spent the night on the floor at JFK. I did get to ride in New York’s subway system? LaGuardia to JFK. That was pretty cool? Interesting thing that public transportation is? Anyway…Got a few short naps in here and there? Did I mention I didn’t bring my cell phone and all of the airport WiFi places cost money? Sorry, not going to pay $9.95 for a days use of the internet. I digress. So, after my restful night, I start calling Aer Lingus at 8 am EST and trying to get it all figured out. Good news! A flight leaves NY tonight! But, it’s going to be an extra $700. Bad idea. I could wait until Friday and it would only be $400 more? Decided I had to try something else.

 I had to get to Boston! So, I hop an Amtrak from NYC to Boston. It was about 9:30 at the time, so I had until 11 to get from JFK to Penn Station. I load up another metro card, and head to the subway. Get on the subway and a guy asks for my ticket. I had him my metro card and he looks at me. I then realized the E subway, which costs $2, is NOT the same thing as the Long Island Railroad, which costs $10. It does go straight to the station as opposed of the subway which would have taken me a few blocks away. The gentleman was very nice. “Don’t worry about it.” Ok. I won’t. Thanks, man.

 I got to ride a train! It’s about a 3 hour train ride to Boston. It was really nice. On a random note…it’s 1:20 am on the east coast and 6:20 in Dublin. Who needs sleep? ME!!! I don’t know what’s going on? I’m about to board a flight to Rome. I’ll be there around 11:30 this morning. Think it’s a 5 hour difference-ish? Where was I? Train…yes. I made it to Boston with time to spare, got everything squared away, and now I’m no longer in America? Pretty crazy. It is Thursday, I think? So, I’ll be in Rome a day later than planned? I think? I’m a little confused.

 The people in NYC were all nice. I wish I would have had a little more time in Boston? I think I really like old east coast ocean towns? Ok. I’m going to go ahead and say it. There are always, ALWAYS, beautiful women in airports. There. It’s out there. I mean…YO!? Think it’s about time to board up for Rome. Maybe I can get a little nap in? I watched “Taken” on the Dublin flight. Then, on the same flight, I met 3 female recent high school grads that are on the first leg of their European vacation. Ugh. Intense. God be with them.

It's now 5 pm in Rome on Thursday. I made it. I guess it's 10 am back home? I don't really know how long I've been on the road? I would like to go to Dublin, though? I was there briefly and it was beautiful on the flight out. We went over the Alps. I'll try to figure out how to get some pics posted? Thank for the camera, Josh. 

I really can't think straight anymore, so I'm going to wrap this post up. I'll write some more later.

It's Time.

I'm sitting in Denver International Airport, about to fly to Houston, TX, New York, NY, Dublin, Ireland, then Rome Italy. I'm leaving the United States of America and I don't know when I'll come back? I am moving to Rome. I hope to be working in a restaurant and gathering people for tour companies and bars. Basically, I'm a herder? I like that idea. 

I came to Denver last Thursday, the 4th, I think? I got to stay with my brother and his wife. Awesome. Good times. Good people. I got to hang out with my cousins. Good times. Good people.

I already feel really weird without my cell phone. 

A beard, a backpack, and belief.

Well? I guess I'm going to start a blog? I mean, it could be kind of fun, eh? I leave the country tomorrow. That's a pretty cool thing to write. Hopefully, this blog will allow the people that want to know what I've been up to will work out well for all?