The tides they are a changing...

Over the last 2 years, I have seen more than most people. I don't say that with one ounce of pride. I say it because I'm blessed. I have seen some of the most historical places on earth. I have seen some of the most beautiful landscapes on earth. I've seen some of the affects of disasters, natural and other.

For example. I've been to the Vatican Museum. I've seen the David. I've seen the Pantheon. I've seen The Rape of Persephanie. I've been inside the Coliseum.  I've seen Croatian sunsets and sunrises. I've seen the Rocky Mountains. I've seen the Superdome. I've seen the Lower 9th Ward. I've seen oil-covered pelicans. 

I know that all of these things are taking me somewhere. They are molding me. They are shaping me. They are changing me. I have no idea what the end-product will be. I have to trust my Friend. I have to trust that all of these events, trials, adventures, sites, and sounds are working out a higher purpose. I get to trust that. 

It's really hard to explain. I've met people from all over the world. I've met people from all different backgrounds. I've met people with similar perspectives. I've met people with totally different perspectives. I've met people who have lived similar realities as me. I've met people that have realities that I can never know. 

I'm starting to think that there is growing divide among people. Call is conservative vs. liberal. Call is christian vs. non. Call it right vs. wrong. Call it informed vs. mis-informed. Call it have's vs. have-nots. Call it whatever the hell you want to. It doesn't matter what it's called. It doesn't matter "which side you stand on." 

I see and hear so much hostility, anxiety, fear, close-mindedness, anger, and mistrust among people. I see and hear so many solutions, or ideas for solutions. I may actually have a few of my own? But I'm drifting more towards an apathetic approach. And I don't like that. I'm starting to think that it's all spinning out of control and there's nothing anyone, (aside from the King of the universe) can do about it. 

I think that crux of the matter is this: Do I trust people to make their own decisions? Do I trust myself to make my own decisions?

I think it's all about interdependent individualism. I don't know the solution for you and your problems. But, I'm here to help. I don't know how to fix this. But, I'll gladly let you help me if you're willing. I understand that ultimately, it's not my place to solve everyone else's issues. I know that I have to solve my own screw-ups and trials. I also know that sometimes I can't do it on my own. 

I have to accept responsibility for ALL of my actions, words, and choices. You have to accept responsibility for ALL of your actions, words, and choices. We can work through some of the things together. We have to. But it should be a matter of choice when, how, and who one gives and receives assistance. 

People need to be free to make their own decisions. Good and bad. Positive and negative. People also need to be free to accept all of the consequences of those decisions. Good and bad. Positive and negative. It's called growing up. It's called maturation. It's called being a RESPONSIBLE/response-able human BEING. 

Peace. And Balance.

DS

Reality bites.

My reality, the things I have experienced, and how I respond to them, may not be the same as yours. Your reality, the things you have experienced, and how you've responded to them, may not be the same as mine. They may not look anything alike. They may look very similar. 

Help me understand your reality. I want to have my bubble burst. I want my paradigm to shift. I want my soap box to burn. I want to learn how your journey has shaped you. I want to learn how you handled having your reality shaken, shattered, and stirred. I want you to shake, shatter, and stir my reality. It's called empathy. 

I want to learn how you got through things. I want to learn more about why I'm listening to you. I want a glimpse into your reality. This is the importance of honesty. This is the importance of being real. Honesty is reality. 

I had my reality rocked last night. I learned things that I didn't know about some of my friends. They were real with me. They helped me understand another reality. That's why they're my friends. 

I am trying to realize that the more I live, the more I interact with people, the more chances I have to shape reality. Everyday, time after time, I have the chance to change my reality. I also have the chance to shape other people's reality. The choices I make affect the realities of those I'm around. 

If I can't look at myself, and my reality with honesty, what good am I? If I'm unwilling to be honest with other people about my reality, and if no one is willing to be honest with me about the accuracy of my perception, what do I really have? 

I am blessed. I have people that are real with me. I have people in my life that are honest. I have been protected from many of the realities of this world. There are realities that I will never understand. There are some that I will never even hear of. It's a big world. But, I want to improve my reality. And I want to improve the realities of the people around me. 

For me, the best way to do that is to be honest. I have to look past my comfort level and get real with myself and with other people. It's hard. It requires a lot of trust. It requires entering into relationships. That's scary stuff. But it's real. And I think it's the only way to affect true change. In myself, in my reality, and in the lives and realities of others. 

"What we do in life echoes in eternity."

Dinner? Everyone?

OK? So, there's an interesting thing that happens when people go out to eat here? Part of me likes it, and part of me wonders about it? Bear with me...this one may take some connective genius on your part?

Let's say there's a group of 10 of you and your friends. You all decide to go eat. You pick a reasonably priced restaurant and head that way. Once there, everyone decides what to get. Long story short, you receive a bill for the goods and services you consumed. 

(On a VERY interesting cultural side-note: In Italy, the check will not be dropped unless you ask for it or unless you're being kicked out. It's considered rude to deliver a check, and receiving the bill before you ask for it means they are either closing, or saying goodbye. Let me say; I like this. Meal sharing is an important part of the culture here. None of that crap that I am guilty of pulling: "Folks, NO rush here! Just going to set this down, whenever you're ready, I'll be your cashier...." Subtitles, get out of my section so I can make more money. The Italians take time and share meals. I like it. Anyway, this is the close of one digression.) 

The total of the bill comes to 100 Euros. What happens next is interesting. Everyone pulls out 10 Euros. The bill is covered. The evening goes wherever it goes from there? The bill is divided evenly among the party. Here is sort of where your connective genius may be required...And some forgiveness with my math WILL BE required...

What happens if 7 people at the table got a personal pizza that cost 10 Euros, 2 people got a 5 Euro salad and 1 person got a 20 Euro steak? Well. This is sort of where the plot thickens? Say Captain T-Bone didn't tell anyone what he/she was getting before everyone ordered? Say they don't offer to pay a little extra at the end? (Another digression...This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm trying to prove a point...) Is it wrong for them to order what they want? Is it wrong for the other people to expect them to pay a little more for what they got?

Wouldn't the whole thing be avoided if everyone ordered whatever they wanted and then paid for their own food? That way, everyone gets what they want. That way, everyone pays for what they got. 

Is it nice that everyone chips in and makes it easier for math and all that? Yeah. Is it cool that when you are with friends, and you share, everything works a little more smoothly? Yeah. Is it "fair" that if you know the bill is going to be split up, you may be shy and not really get what you want? Is it "fair" to be considered a jack-ass for not caring, and ordering whatever you want regardless of how it's going to be covered? 

Again, when you're with friends and family, these things are a lot easier to figure out. What happens if the restaurant decided that everyone's bills were going to be combined and the cost divided equally? While everyone would pay a little less, how would you feel buying a stranger's 30 Euro meal, when you were polite, and got a 5 Euro salad? The over all cost may only be 12 Euros for everyone in the restaurant, but why are you buying anyone else's meal? Especially a strangers'? 

If you knew the bill was going to be paid for by someone else, wouldn't you order the most expensive meal that looked the best? And dessert? And a nice bottle of wine? I would. Would you feel guilty about it? Would I? Is that "fair"? Is that the "greater good"? Everyone chips in, everyone pays something, everyone eats? Why not order whatever you want to eat, and pay for your own meal? 

Have any connective synapsis fired yet? 

Holding the bag...

Wow. So. This is fun. No power in Rome. It's really not too big of a deal? The situation putting me in this situation is where I find my biggest annoyance. 

The land lady had a 2 months' advance in rent, as a deposit from the last tenant. She was supposed to use that deposit to pay off all of the remaining bills. By law, she is supposed to have that deposit on hand, seeing how it is a "Deposit" meaning it is supposed to be returned. Evidently, she spent the money on something else. 

Because electricity isn't free, there were past bills that weren't paid. I paid a bill yesterday that was from 2008. Needless to say, I wasn't living here then. SO, I paid her bills her for her.I actually paid 5 different bills for her. I came home from work on Wed to find that my power was out.

In my crazy mind, I would think that getting all of the bills paid and copies of the paid bills faxed to the power company would result in my power being turned back on. Low and behold...No. I paid her bills and faxed the copies to the power company by 8:30 yesterday morning. In any normal place, the power would have been back on when I returned home from work at 3:30. Not here. 

I was told I had to wait at my apartment for someone to come turn it on this morning. I waited. They showed up. Did they ring the buzzer for me to let them up? No! It's an "electric buzzer..." So, in summation; I've paid someone else's bills and I still have no power. On a positive note, the food in my fridge doesn't stink, so maybe it'll still be good? 

I'm going to deduct the paid bills from next months rent. I'm also going to deduct the lost money from the room guests that had to be moved. I'm strongly considering deducting groceries. And, on top of that, a little hidden tax for the massive pain in my ass this has become. I missed work today, waiting for the power company. 

I'm struggling to understand how Italy is in the "G8"? How can one of the 8 most industrialized countries in the world be this inefficient? Is the rest of the world that shitty? I have struggled, since getting here, with the lack of organization in this country.

Let me be clear about this one thing: I am operating from an American perspective. I am also trying to understand cultural differences. I am really, really struggling, to understand "Italian Business Ethics." I have NO idea where there M.O. for business is coming from? Nothing about how things are run here seems to make sense to me? That's fine. Maybe this is pushing me to learn? 

I don't understand how, if, they can turn my power off when I'm not there, why can't they turn it on when I am there? Why don't the people in the field have walkie-talkies, or even cell phones? 

Dispatch: "Hey Guiseppe, can you get to VillaFranca and flip the power on? Thanks."

Guiseppe: "Yeah. I'm over on Cavour, but I'll head there as soon as I'm finished here."

Ugh. Alas, I am without power. Again, the power isn't the real issue in my mind. The fact that I am the one left holding the bag because my land lady is a dumb bitch is what gets me. The fact that I had to lose house guests-who pay my rent-because of her, is annoying. The fact that I had to get up early, yesterday, and pay her bills bothers me. The fact that I am missing work is....well, bitter sweet. Buying more groceries because of her problem is not the most comforting thought. 

But. At the end of the day, I can get over this. Yes. I'm pissed. Yes. I said things, and thought things, that probably were not the kindest. I am human. I make mistakes. As does my land lady. Perhaps, I can find it in my heart to forgive her? Perhaps...We'll see. 

I'm trying to get to the root of why not having power for a few days is bothering me this much? It's not like it's put a damper on my social life? I'm not really that upset about losing house guests? An extra day off work is never a bad thing? It was almost time to hit the grocery store anyway? 

Maybe it's the principle of the thing? Maybe it's getting punished for someone else's screw up? Maybe it's the fact that something that should so easily be fixed is turning into a 3 day ordeal...at least? Maybe I'm incapable of compassion or forgiveness? Maybe I'm sick and tired of Rome? I don't really know? Maybe it's all of that stuff? Maybe it's a lot more? Maybe it's none of it? 

All I know is this: Not having power isn't that big of a deal. Get over it, Daniel. Stop whining. It's annoying, even to me. Of all the things in this world, this is probably not one to get pissed about. Take a deep breath and enjoy living in Rome. I'm sorry-to whomever is reading this-that you have to listen to me vent. I'm sure there are things going on in your life that would crush my petty little power problem. I hope you are coping with your life better than I seem to be coping with mine. 

haha! Wow. After some proofreading, I'm basically throwing a tantrum that I'm not getting my way. Life happens. Perhaps I can look at a bigger picture? Perhaps I can try to re-focus on things that matter? Perhaps I just wasted a lot of your time and mine? I hope you are not dumber for having read this...I hope it finds you well!

Ok. SO...Obviously it's been a bit since I've posted anything? It's not that I haven't had anything to say. It's not that things haven't been really cool lately. Here's a brief summation:

I went to Croatia. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It was an amazing vacation. I just relaxed. I spent time on the beach, climbed a little bit, ate some awesome Croatian food, stared at some of the best sunsets I've ever seen, star gazed, read, wrote, meditated, prayed, and un-wound. It was great. 

That was the first time I've ever visited a foreign country on my own. Traveling solo is really neat. While it would have been great to share that time with someone, I was able to do the things I wanted to do. I was able to be selfish. I was able to spend some time in solitude. 

When I moved to Europe, I was hoping to get to a point where I could spend time alone. That has always been a fear of mine; being alone. The problem I had with solitude is the fact that there is always someone there. Me. I don't always like myself, and I've always had a harder time loving myself. I guess solitude is one of those things, like so many others, that takes a few times to get used to. Being alone is now something I desire to make a big part of my life. That's a miracle. 

I'm also realizing how amazing the opportunity to move Europe is, was, and will be. I think one of the most amazing things about it, is the fact that I have NO PRESSURE. My friends and family encouraged me to come here. No matter how long I stay, I am still loved and accepted. Even if I "fail" the people who love me, still love me. That takes any perceived pressure off of me. There's no pressure to perform. I can just live life. I can live loved. And it's good. 

Learning to be loved, Part 2.

I want to talk a little bit about my insanity in the terms of religion. I want to start by saying that in no way, shape, or form is this anyone’s fault. I blame no one. I’m angry with no one. I just missed it. I missed the basic, foundational truth. Missing that truth caused me to repeat the same actions, many times, expecting a different outcome. I call that insanity.

The foundational truth I missed is the foundation of relationships. The Relationship that matters more than anything else. It’s the foundation of the universe. It’s the foundation of religion. It’s the foundation of my existence. It’s the foundation, in every since of the word. It is the definition of the word. I am loved by my Creator. You are loved by your Creator. I was created out of love. You were created out of love. Every single day on this planet is a gift, based in love. Everything I endure in this life is a gift, based in love.

I bastardized religion. I offended and hurt a lot of people. I drove people away from Love. I did this with great intentions. I did it because I thought I “was supposed” to. I thought that I was “being a good Christian.” It’s really hard to tell people about the love of the Creator when I didn’t truly believe the same Creator loved me. But I tried. It’s also really hard to tell people how full the Bible is of stories of love when you’re knocking them across the head, heart, and soul with the same book. I was never able show them any type of love or compassion when that’s all I needed to extend to them. To those people, I apologize.

I thought that God’s love for me was based on how many people I “got saved.” I thought His love for me was based on how often I went to church, read the Bible, or did other “things” that a good Christian “should do.” It wasn’t until recently that the focus of my life went from a place of mistrust to a place of trust.

There have been a few times in my life that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t see the point of life. I didn’t think it made any sense. The fact that “It’s always one more thing…” drove me crazy. I thought that happiness was a fallacy. I didn’t think it existed. It seemed to me like life was nothing but a rut. You’re born, you “grow up,” you get a job, you get married, you die. What’s the point? That was the only question I had. What’s the point?

There have been times in my life when I reached the end of my rope. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and chemically depressed. It’s a scary place. Very scary. The last time I was at this point was in April. I was ready to die. I cried. A lot.

I guess I’ll just tell the story? Last summer, around July, I started a relationship. This girl and I have known each other for a while, lost touch, got re-connected and began a relationship. I wanted it to work. I had just gone through a year of sobriety, so surely, this would be my reward. If anyone read my blog posting about longing for fulfillment in a relationship, this is the latest, and by the grace of God, last example.

Excluding many long details, the relationship ended. This is only a small part of the problem. I had just graduated college, celebrated a year of sobriety, had job applications out, and my apartment lease was ending. All of the stars are aligning. Everything is meeting up perfectly at this point. All of these roads are merging, ending, and beginning. I thought it was all under control.

I had no idea what was coming. As far as jobs went, graduation, lease ending, and a relationship, I had no idea what was coming. I was excited. I was scared. I was depressed. I wanted to kill myself. I told my parents this. My mind was made up. I had the whole scenario planned. I was going to leave my girlfriend’s, go to my storage unit, get my shotgun, and head to the hospital.

I wanted to be at the hospital so they could harvest my organs ASAP. The last and only decision I was making, and hadn’t made yet, was whether or not I should call my parents and tell them, or let the doctor tell them. Luckily, as I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend, she picked up on it. She scared me enough to keep me alive for the day. I called my parents and headed home a few days later for a while.

When I got home, in September, I was in a pretty dark and scary place. I started seeing a psychiatrist and taking a lot of anti-depressants. Part of the reason I was so depressed is because I had stopped taking my meds about 3 months prior. I scared a lot of people. I should have checked myself in somewhere. By the grace of God, I was spared. I have since stopped taking my meds, and I’m  hoping for the best. It’s been really good.

I got home in the first part of September and it’s best thing that has happened to me. While I was home, I suffered with another serious depression in April. It’s odd how some depressions are emotional, some physical, other mental/chemical, and then, of course spiritual. The one that brought me home was physical, mental, and emotional. Not a bad combo?

The last, was of course all of them. Worse than I had ever experienced any of them. I’ve had them all separately. I’ve had two at a time, and three at a time. I’ve somehow made it through. They are all different depressions. The last was something I had never imagined. I had given up. Totally. I completely lost hope. I truly believed that God did not love me. I thought He was a sadist. I thought He chose whoever He wanted to love and, literally, to hell with the rest.

I struggled with so much guilt, self-hatred, shame, self-condemnation, and self-destruction. I can’t really explain how bad it was. I don’t think I need to. I think if anyone has been near there, they know. I think if anyone is there, they know. I think if you have NO idea what I’m talking about, you don’t need to know. It’s awesome that you don’t.

I asked, one night, as close to the end as I could get: “God. If You really love me, why do I hate myself and everything about me? Why is this life so fucking pointless? Why do I feel so guilty and ashamed?” He answered in a way only He can. He said: “Daniel. I DO love you. Why do you hate yourself so much? Why do you feel so guilty and ashamed?”

I was looking for a place of rest. I wanted a timeout. I just wanted it ALL to stop, just for a minute. I wanted the stress, fear, anxiety, self-hatred, depression, anger, rage, apathy, and hopelessness to just stop for 30 seconds. I needed a timeout and couldn’t get one. I was asking for however much faith it would take to give me rest. I didn’t care how much faith it took I just wanted a rest. I needed a break. I found it.

When He told me He loved me, and I tried, just a little bit, to believe Him, I found a little peace. It was such a brief pause, but it was there. I asked for more faith, and then I just started saying, “You love me? I’ll try to believe that. Help my unbelief. You love me. You love me!?” It was and is a constant, and daily battle to go from a place of not trusting Him to trusting Him. The more I rest in that trust, the more peace I find. The more I trust that He loves me, and the more I trust that nothing changes that, the more I realize the daily grind isn’t as bad. The more simple I keep it, the more sense it makes. He loves me. That’s all. I’m just going to believe that and hang out there. God loves me. 

It’s not about religion. It’s not about rules. It’s about trying, every day, hour, and minute to build a relationship with the One who loves me. Not because I have to. The only reason I am able to believe that He loves me, is because He loves me. That simple awareness is a gift from the bounties of His love for me. That makes things a lot easier.

It makes it a lot easier to mess up and not hate myself. It makes it a lot easier to love my family, friends, and people I meet. It makes it a lot easier to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day. I am loved. I am loved, perfectly, truly, madly, and eternally. I am loved beyond ALL reason, common sense, and justice.

I hit the end of rope because I thought I had tried everything in this life, from Bible banging, to partying, to sobriety, and everything in between. I thought I had done everything I could to drive God, family, friends, and anyone else away. I found out that I was wrong. I found out that in spite, and despite of all the destructive decisions I had made, I was still loved. I also found out what it was like to make all the decisions that I used to condemn people for making.

Now, I can look at the people in my past, and understand how I hurt them. I know what decisions feel like. I know what they look like. I learned how to empathize. I learned where and what my mistakes were. I am learning where and what they are now. I know I owe a lot of people apologies. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to extend to you the same grace that has been extended to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to extend any type of grace at all. I’m sorry I was a self-righteous ass hole. I’m sorry for crushing your spirit, stealing from you, and making you feel like you were anything other than loved.

I want to live at peace with myself and with others. I am able to be at peace when I simply acknowledge that my Creator loves me. Because of His love for me, I need to love other people. Because He accepts me, I need to accept other people. Because of His love and acceptance of me, I need to love and accept myself. I HAVE to trust that He loves and accepts me. I GET to trust that. I am loved. 

I forget to remember...

So. Tomorrow will mark my 6th week in Rome, Italy. That's a really long time. I have a few more to go, though. I am planning on being here for at least a year. I am thinking I will probably come home at the end of next summer? But, who knows. That's a really long time away.

This has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss home. I miss a lot of things. I also MISS a lot of things. I miss them when I become too busy. When my mind is busy, or my hands are busy, or my heart is busy. I find it easy to miss life.

I'm not talking about being lazy or sedintary all the time. I'm talking about finding a tranquil place to live life. I'm talking about finding peace in the midst of the mess. My friend has a climb he calls "Pursuit of Peace." I want to get on that "problem" when I get back to MO. But I want to get on my problem of the pursuit of peace, right now.

Another friend of mine has a song, "Dark Hotel."
"Oh, Lord, give me peace.
And put my sorry singing sad ole soul at ease.
Bring me hope, I need a little, just a little."

The Lord has given me peace. He has given me hope. It's really hard for me to remember them, and cling to them everyday. It's hard for me to keep my life at the simple place of love. It's hard for me to remember that I have a safe place. It's hard for me to reside in the house of love and peace. It's where I want to be.

I want to find the things in this life that usher me into the Presence of Peace, to the Prince of Peace. I'm trying to learn, to live, and to love. I'm trying to learn to live and I'm trying to learn to love. All the while, life happens.